Brad Norris is not that impressive

Originally Posted on May 8, 2007


My cousin Ed came up with these, and they are pretty damn funny. He posted them as a comment on my last blog, but not many people go back and read others comments on other people's blogs, and these I felt were good enough that all my loyal readers should see them. Enjoy


Top Facts for Brad Norris (ok… I wanted to parody the whole Chuck Norris thing…. But that's dead now…. So here is what I came up with anyway…)


Some kids piss their name in the snow. Brad Norris can piss. But only at dusk.

Brad Norris can speak bacchi.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Brad Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever cheese is in the fridge.

Brad Norris' calendar goes straight from Feb 2nd to Feb 2nd.

Brad Norris counted to two. (see above)

Brad Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never bothered to give a sample to science. The Bastard

Once, while having sex in a trailer, part of Brad Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this vehicle as a pile of junk.

Brad Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are still The Virgin Islands.

If you spell Brad Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Brad Norris?" It simply replies, "Why do you want him?."

Brad Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to crap in his own pants in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Brad Norris puts the "fun" in "dysfunctional".

Brad Norris owns the worst Poker Face of all-time. It helped him loose $50 in a cash game.

Brad Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't be bothered with details.

Brad Norris does not sleep. He eats. Or drinks

Brad Norris owns a pair of Superman pajamas.

Brad Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of work. Brad Norris goes to bed.

Brad Norris doesn't pop his collar. His shirts just get stiff when they smell his body.

Brad Norris can slam The Doors. He hates that Movie.

Brad Norris sleeps with a night light. He is a wuss.

Brad Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone guessing letters and Brad shouting "I LIKE CHICKEN!"

Brad Norris doesn't read books. He's not allowed in the Library after the "Dewey Decimal Incident.".

Once a cobra bit Brad Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, Brad finally completed "Pitfall" from Activision.

When Brad Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you he loves you..

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Brad Norris. Brad is one scary dude. NOT!

Brad Norris is not hung like a horse... PERIOD.

Giraffes were created when Brad Norris farted. So they could escape the toxic fumes

Brad Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because he likes the smooth feeling.

Bill Gates could care less about Brad Norris.

Brad Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Brad Norris will forget.

Brad Norris sold his soul to the devil for rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Brad tried to roundhouse kick the devil in the face and take his soul back. The devil, who appreciates comedy, admitted he saw it coming. The Devil now owns Brad's balls too.

Brad Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded bottle of vodka... and loses.

Brad Norris thinks he's 1/8th Cherokee. Nope. Try Cleveland Indian.